Wednesday, August 12, 2020


I can't believe it's almost a year since I gave birth. Gah! 

I guess it's true what they say when you have a family, your life will definitely change. Mine literally took a 180 turn! From working a 9-to-5 corporate job to getting a remote consultancy work. From all night (until early morning) Friday inumans to staying at home with the husband, taking care of our little bubba (still staying up late though, because breastfeeding). From planning out-of-town getaways to learning how to budget and manage our finances. I can't even think of shopping for yourself since I'm too busy looking for good deals for house and baby stuff. And I still can't believe that just about 2 years ago, I was smoking my lungs off every chance I get, not even thinking of quitting. Now, I haven't smoked a cigarette for 1 year 6 months, and 29 days. 

Being a mother really does take a lot of sacrifices. I'm not gonna be a hypocrite and say that 'it won't seem like a sacrifice since you're doing it for your baby' because it was!! 

You need to be willing to let go of a lot of things. 

Yes, it'll be hard. And yes, you WILL cry. A LOT.

When I finally experienced motherhood for myself, I had a whole new level of respectlove, and understanding towards my mom. Oh, how I regretted all the times I fought with her. If only I knew that this was what she went through when she had me! I should have been worshipping her instead of being a constant pain in the butt. Ha-ha!

There are times where I'll feel sad and frustrated. I'll start missing my friends and some old habits. I'll get stressed and worried about my career and all the what-could-have-beens. Sometimes, I miss my life-of-the-party self. I just miss being fun, adventurous, and outgoing.

And then comes the guilt.  

I'll feel guilty for feeling sad which will make things worst. I'll end up feeling so horrible at times. But eventually, I realized that there's nothing wrong with what I'm feeling and it's not a bad thing. It does not make me a bad mother just because I miss my old self and my old life, it just makes me human. 

Whatever I feel at times and however hard things may sometimes get, at the end of the day I know in my heart that I wouldn't change a thing. Just one look at that sweet little baby cuddling next to me and I just know that all these sacrifices are worth it. 

Things might be different now and I might have had to let go of some of my plans and dreams, but it's a different kind of happiness and fulfillment when you see how your child's eyes sparkle whenever you enter the room. It's the best feeling to know that your arms are where she feels the safest and how in a room full of people, you are their favorite person. 

Little by little, I'm starting to find the new (and hopefully improved) me amidst all the changes.  I just try to keep in mind that for me to be able to properly take care of others, I need to take care of myself first. I try to remember that I shouldn't lose myself just because I became a mom. I am important, too.

Right now, I'm still in the process of finding myself again. I'm slowly building new plans and dreams which now include my awesome family. I make it a point to have some me-time once in a while. I learned that it's okay to make plans for the future, but you should know that life may take you to a whole different direction.  Just like with me, the universe might have better plans for you!

All I'm saying is I loved my old life and I miss it, but I would gladly trade all of it all over again just to have my Ellie...   

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