I miss her.

Sunday, May 9, 2021

I saw this TikTok trend a few days ago that really got to me. It's the one where moms post a photo or a video with their kid, saying they love being a mom, but still miss their old self.

It was spot on. I feel like it's something most moms feel too guilty to admit. It made me realize how much I miss myself.

When they say that having a kid changes everything, they literally mean everything. Sometimes to the point where you don't even recognize yourself or your old life anymore. Don't get me wrong, I love love love being a mom. I love Ellie with all of my heart, I have no regrets and I wouldn't trade all this for anything. It's just that I really miss myself. I feel like ever since I became a mom, that's all I ever am anymore.

It's Mother's Day as I am writing this. But today, I'm allowing myself to miss what I once was without feeling guilty or ashamed. I'd like to reminisce and, in a way, mourn what I lost since I became a mom.

I miss staying up until 4 in the morning because I just can't stop watching a series I'm binge-watching, not because my baby keeps waking up.

I miss being able to sleep in. Oh, how I wish I could just have one day, just one day, where I could just stay in bed and just sleep all day. Nowadays, when Ellie's up we need to be up too, change her diapers prepare her breakfast blah blah blah.

I miss hanging out with my friends. Not just physically hanging out, but just being part of their lives and catching up with them. Before being a mom (and COVID), I'm always out, meeting different sets of friends every weekend. I always have someone I could call to talk to or hang out with. I try to keep in touch with all my friends and be part of their lives. I miss being there for them and I miss having them in my life. I miss being someone that they run to for help. I feel like since I became a mother, they don't talk to me about their life anymore because they think I already have a lot on my plate, having a kid and all.

I miss getting drunk. So wasted that I'll be wondering where I got all my bruises in the morning. I miss drinking anything other than freaking wine! Kwatro kantos please!!!! Hay breastfeeding is hard.

I miss working. I miss feeling like I'm useful, helpful, and needed. I miss feeling smart and being competitive. I miss accomplishing things, being praised for a job well done, and just thinking on my feet. The over-achiever in me has slowly faded away. Lately, I've been full of insecurities, doubts, and fears. I feel like I've been left behind.

I miss hanging out with Jason. When you have a child and a house to run, conversations almost always revolve around those two topics. I miss being silly with him. Drinking all night while playing karaoke songs on Youtube, singing our hearts out to Mayday Parade. I miss being us, before all this.

I miss being able to pamper myself. Getting monthly massages, having my nails done, lash extensions, treating myself. I miss dressing up, without having to worry if what I'm wearing is breastfeeding-friendly.


I just really really miss my happy-go-lucky, life-of-the-party, care-free self. I miss her. So damn much. I know I will never get to see her again. But maybe, even just by writing all these down, I'd get a glimpse of her and just keep her cherished in my memory.

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